I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion… Henry David Thoreau
Many, many years ago, more years than I care to mention, I found a page in a magazine that covered my star sign, Libra and told of a much better future than the life I was at that time leading. Every now and again when I am sorting through old letters, the folded piece of paper falls out and I re-read it. The quote above was part of the article and each time I see it, it causes me to stop and pause. What is it that resonnates deep down inside, pulling me in again? What does this mean for me?
For much of my life, I believe I have cared way too much what other people think of me. I’d come home from work in a dither, talking about something I was worried I hadn’t done right and Steve would ask me why it mattered so much what others thought. I’d look at him like he had six heads and mutter to myself that clearly he didn’t understand. Secretly I’d wish that I could follow his advice but something seemed stuck in me. But gradually the fog started to clear and I could see that I was doing this to myself and maybe, just maybe, I didn’t need to. Maybe I could actually liberate myself from needing others’ approval?
As some of you know, I have been going to Al-Anon for about 4 months now since I had my somewhat belated revelation that Dad’s drinking had a huge impact on my life. It’s very odd – I drive off on Sunday mornings feeling full of vim and vigor and when I get there, inevitably something comes up that hits right at the heart of the matter and out comes the hanky. I keep coming back to me having lived my life ensuring that others approve of me (although I am sure Steve and the kids would not agree with this!). Recently I had an image of planting a little seed, a little acorn in the ground and watering it and tending it so that I could grow into a big oak tree, to be what I want to be.
And that is what the quote means to me. That I long to live my life and be true to me. To be sitting on my pumpkin, living the life I want to live as opposed to living my life for everyone else.
Love the quote and this entry. Can completely relate to the stress and worry of wanting to please everyone. I too am trying to let go of this wasteful energy and baggage…man it is hard!
See you soon!
Lisa
Amanda,
It’s been a busy year so far, and I’ve just caught up with your posts. This one brought me to tears, and I just wanted to let you know. I also loved the post about your FL visit, it sounds lovely and reminded me of the fun times we had visiting my mother down in Boca. I could see, hear, and smell it all again!
Much love to you,
Tara
Thank you for the comment. Lina said she had a wonderful visit with you recently so now that she’s been to you, hopefully you’ll make it up this way again before too long and we’ll get to see you?
Love Amanda