This past week, I have not felt well so have been a little remiss with my postings. I cannot believe that I can have cold/flu like symptoms at the beginning of summer but nevertheless, have them I do. Luckily, I found some sinus relief Sudafed squirreled at the bottom of the medicine cabinet with a sell by date of 2008. But I was not perturbed and being desperate to get relief from my ear ache, took them and have felt much better since.
Beyond scraping myself out of bed each morning and wheezing my way through the week, a lot has been going on. Victoria is graduating from middle school, has a semi-formal this coming week and a graduation ceremony next week; she has her dance recital in two weeks with endless rehearsals and today was one of the days I dislike the most, Picture Day. This is an annual ritual where the recital participants put on their costumes, full hair and make-up and as the name of the day suggests, have their pictures taken. Being in three dances, I spent all afternoon driving her to and from the dance studio, waiting outside each time for 30 mins as of course, the whole shebang was running late. Ah, the joys of being a devoted parent!
But the biggest news of all is that we have finally decided to say yes to our house renovations. They are going to cost more, surprise, surprise, than I originally wanted to spend but after way too long, the time has come to actually take the plunge. And boy has this bought up big time money fear for me. I do much better when I am quietly hoarding greenbacks, looking at them in my bank account and thinking of all the things I could do if I only opened up the purse strings and let the moths fly free. Of course, I don’t do any of those things as for me, watching money grow is a spectator sport!! Well now the purse strings are being ripped asunder as the kitchen cabinets are falling off the walls and the superglue Steve used to salvage the water tank of the toilet is no longer adequate and something has to be done.
The builder came round Thursday evening and after he left, I went into full blown worry mode, wearing my ‘What If’ wooly hat crammed down over my eyes. The world is hot and dark from this perspective and I am unable to see anything but doom and disaster on the horizon, ending up somewhere with me losing my job and us being thrown out on the street, unable to appreciate our new kitchen, stairs and bathroom.
I had to give myself a good old talking to and Steve was sitting across from me in a state of disbelief! I realize in my head that I have the choice as to how I respond to circumstance but sometimes, the automatic reaction is so strong that it’s just there, flooding my whole body whether I want it to or not. It took me about an hour to calm down and convince myself that perhaps I was overreacting but the lingering remnants remained, rattling around in my head like the proverbial skeleton in the closet.
Luckily for me, help was on the way! On Friday evening, my Lovely Ladies circle met at my house. This group is the brain child of my very good buddy, Deb and consists of some of my closest friends. We meet every 4-6 weeks to catch-up with each other and ponder the meaning of life. On Friday, the subject of our discussion was surrender, specifically what do we need or want to surrender. Numero Uno on my list this week, lack of money fear!! And a fascinating thing happened. As we were going round the circle, each sharing our perspectives, a funny feeling came over me and I suddenly felt very open around my heart. It was if a huge burden was lifted, a feeling of liberation from the worry, not just money, but all worry. I got a glimpse of something hereforeto unfamiliar to me – the pure release of needing to control, of needing to make sure everything would be OK. It was the feeling of surrendering to just what is, irrespective of whatever might happen. Boy it felt so good. I would love to report that I have felt like that ever since and that the fear has been exorcised forever, but that would not be true. However, it has lessened and I spent some of the day today happily checking out fridges and stoves on line. The exciting thing for me as that at least I now have a feeling with which I can identify, something that gives me hope that my level of trust can grow. My little seed of hope has been sown and perhaps with some nurturing, will flower into something stronger for me to hold onto.
*from The Wizard of Oz, as Gertie reminded us on Friday, picture included!
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