Gardening For The Soul

Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain:
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound…..

I listen’d, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.

William Wordsworth – The Solitary Reaper

So, my friends, where have I been and how come I have not written in such a long time?  Well, I have been singing a melancholy strain to myself, not at all sure what meaning to find in the experience.  This past Fall has been very challenging for me, more so even than last year.  As I had previously written, we have been renovating our house, both bathrooms, kitchen, stairs, dining room and the place that once provided me with grounding and a sense of stability became a place of chaos and disorder.   At the same time, I was asked to take a new role at work and this, too tipped me into confusion and uncertainty.  And if this was not enough, my Mum fell and was put into a nursing home so I went back to the UK to help my brother sort out her house for two weeks in early November.

There have been times in my life where I have felt outward focused, willing to fully participate in the world, feeling the music in my heart each and every day, overflowing with the sound.  And then there are other times when the music seems to stop and all I can hear is silence.  For the last 5 months, I have been in this place of solitude, searching for my tune and finding nothing but anxiety and worry.  During these times, it is easy for me to judge where I am, blaming myself for not being in the state of mind I think I should be in. And of course, the music has not stopped.  I just shut my ears to it, the sound being drowned out by my over active mind, imaging a whole slew of dangers and troubles just over my shortened horizon.

But the last few days have brought some understanding.  I am beginning to get a sense that during this time I have not taken a step backwards, letting old fears and worries bring me down.  Instead, I have been going deep in to some places that are triggers for me.  Perhaps this time is about refining my tune, adding deeper layers to the songs I have already been singing.  I am sitting motionless and still, checking things out around me, questioning what this time has been about for me.  I know for sure that if I am quiet and silent in the space, I will hear the shift in the music and be able to let it enter into my soul again.  And hopefully, I will find the courage and vulnerability to share my experience in these pages.

And I am very happy to report that after six months, the renovations are finally complete (with the exception of one toilet paper holder!).  I am in love with my new surroundings and feel so proud that we did this.  It was a huge leap of faith, trusting those around us to deliver on the vision.  So although I feel like I have given birth to something amazing, so much of my energy and time was sucked up into getting to this point.  Now I get to sit back, be in the space and relish the sense of peace and calm I feel. 

Oh, and to add to my mood, today I won the Super Bowl in my fantasy football league for the 2nd year in a row!!  Feeds my competitive spirit!