For some reason, I find the mornings the most difficult time. I think it’s because I wake up, the sun is shining through the windows (well, perhaps not the last few days) and there is this sense of cozy well-being and then suddenly, boom, I remember what’s going on, what I am facing in my life right now. It occurred to me today that I have been spending a great deal of time thinking what if this cancer I am facing is my Waterloo (English reference that you may have to google!) I am scared, I am mad, I am very sad, wanting to stick my head In the sand and every Drs appointment feels like the next shoe is going to drop but then another thought came to me. Why am I spending so much time worrying about dying – why not focus on living instead? I have all my emotions and feelings which are totally normal in my circumstances yet each day, can I embrace the whole experience as part of being fully human, of being fully alive and present to what is, irrespective of where this journey takes me? Not sure – I’ll let you know how it goes! My friend Lina send me a beautiful poem about morning, which I have included below.
As for medical updates, not much new to report. I spent time with the Genetics Counsellor discussing if I should have the ‘Angelina Jolie’ tests, only to discover that my health insurance might not cover it – they are going to look in to it for me. Tomorrow I go see Dr Dixie Mills in Boston to get a second opinion on what we know so far and then Saturday, the MRI to see how extensive the spread is in the one breast and if there is anything in the other. Can’t wait for those results!?!??!
As always, love to you all for all your support and here’s the poem.
Morning
I give thanks for arriving
Safely in a new dawn,
For the gifts of eyes
To see the world,
The gift of mind
To feel at home
In my life.
The waves of possibility
Breaking on the shore of dawn,
The harvest of the past
That awaits my hunger,
And all the furtherings
This new day will bring.
© John O’Donohue
This requires so much strength, patience, stamina, it must be so difficult to put the mind in theback burner.
I ve read a great book called dying to be me, a lady who had an nde experience and talks a lot about her journey.
Her one and only recommendation is to have joy and be present. But its difficult to quiet thr mind. I guess you need someone else to help you get distracted, focus on something else.
Im trying hard to focus on now, when now has no drama. But the mind keeps going to the wrong place.
Im also reading and learning about You are the placebo, how to quiet the mind so you can heal in that space.
Again, if i can be of service, let me know. Xo