Gardening For The Soul

Drop thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of thy peace
The beauty of thy peace

Breathe through the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire,
O still small voice of calm
O still small voice of calm

The above verses are from one of my favorite hymns of all time.  It’s called Lord and Father of Mankind and if you’re so inclined, you can listen to it on YouTube ( it’s the 3rd and 4th verses and I prefer the Westminster Abbey version).  As a kid, my Mum was very into church (Episcopalian) and we would be dragged there every Sunday.  The whole experience was only rendered mildly acceptable because of Graham Hall, one of the choir boys for whom I had the major ‘hots’ (the feeling was unfortunately not reciprocated) and some of the wonderful hymns that seemed to stir the depths of my soul when I sang them, almost as if the words were written for me alone.  And now the words of this hymn have been coming back to me over the past months, like a reassuring whisper in my ear.

I have been having some interesting conversations with my friends recently on faith and fear, on hearing the still, small voice through the earthquake, wind and fire. Can you say you have faith and yet feel fearful?  For me it’s not a simple either or. Sometimes I have faith in one thing and simultaneously, feel fearful about another. However, the two feelings are very different. The fear emanates from my head, my brain swirls, I get headaches and I am only tenuously connected to my current life.  I  get ratty when people talk to me because they are pulling me in to the present, when I want to be ‘worry warting’ about the future.  But faith, ah!  The feeling is amazing, peace flowing throughout my body.  My brain is there still between my ears, but it’s not in control.  I am totally present, accepting just where I am.  I feel I am in my body, in all of it, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

The interesting thing about faith is that there are no guarantees.  I don’t believe it can be true faith if it comes with conditions – “If I have faith, everything will turn out the way I envision”.  For me, true faith is about having belief in myself, being able to say “I am safe, I am OK and I know I can deal with whatever comes my way”.  Even writing that makes me a little squirmy because I have to give up (again), the illusion of control, of thinking I can manage outcomes.

I am not sure if, as human beings, we can live in a place of faith at all times.  Perhaps that would mean being the Buddha himself? But perhaps we can be very conscious of when we are in fear and send that fear love and acceptance, recognizing that we might prefer to be in a place of faith, but for right now, that’s not where we are.  I would love to know what you think.  What for you are the differences between faith and fear?  How do you know when you are in fear?  How do you shift the fear to faith?

On the medical front, I continue to do well.  I am going to have to start moving my butt soon as I am finding the less I do, the less I want to do.  However, I still get tired pretty easily.  I went to Trade Joe’s today to buy some organic fruit and vegetables.  I told them I couldn’t lift anything heavy, so they put little amounts in three of my bags and after I brought them in to the house and put the less than 10 items away, I had to go for a nap!  Am finding my arm mobility is improving but sleeping is a challenge as I used to like to lie on my front or side and neither of those are possible right now.  And soon, I will not even have to manage my health care bills as with the $35,000 for the hospital stay alone, surgeries not included, the $8,000 out of pocket maximum has taken the last train for the coast!

Love to all,
Amanda