I have not written for a few weeks due to the holiday season. It’s not that I have been busy, but rather very pensive, thinking about 2014 and pondering what 2015 might bring for me, although who the bleep knows, right?
But here I am, right now, in Colorado Springs, starting 2015 with an adventure! I have been allowed a few days off from radiation to give my burned skin a chance to heal a little before the final week of my treatment. I am using this time to take a trip to Colorado Springs to hang with wonderful women and wolves! I have joined a women’s group and we will work together for ten months on a journey of self discovery and growth via phone, skype etc., but are meeting in person this weekend. We are from all over – Texas, London, California and me from Boston. Steve thinks the whole thing is very bizarre, cavorting with people I’ve never met in a house in the middle of nowhere and visiting wild animals that could eat me. And I suppose if you look at it like that, perhaps he’s right! But those of you that know me are not at all surprised, I’m sure.
And why wolves in Colorado Springs? I have always been fascinated by them and about ten years ago, I discovered that I have a beautiful white wolf as my spirit guide. The energy of her brings me comfort and wisdom. This women’s group is about using the energy of wolf in our everyday lives and we are spending half a day at a wolf sanctuary here. The thought of looking a real wolf in the eye gives me the chills. I have attached a link to the energy of wolf if any of you are interested: http://www.spiritanimal.info/wolf-spirit-animal/
I am also craving an oasis in time, space to just be with my inner wisdom after all I have already been through and the pieces I have to face this year. Apparently, there are two times when cancer patients have the propensity for depression: when first diagnosed and when finishing treatment. I certainly experienced the former but have been wondering how treatment end would hit me. Well in therapy this week, I discovered, getting in touch with the massive vulnerability I feel, sobbing all over the therapist! It’s particularly acute for me as this is a cancer repeat performance and with the BRCA2, know just how vulnerable I am, along with my girls. My sense of invincibility is rocked to its core.
I want to make clear that I am not sinking into depression, but our feelings demand to be heard and acknowledged, to be brought out in to the light and loved. So in my pondering on this past year, I have decided that I would not change a thing – nothing, nada. Did I enjoy it all? No, of course not. Would I want to repeat it? God, I hope not. Is this journey bringing me gifts? Yes, some of which I fully recognize and some of which need yet to be uncovered (subject matter for a future post). So here I stand, at the beginning of another year, ready to embrace all of life’s adventures, big and small.
Happy New Year and I’ll let you know how it goes with the wolves.
Love to all
Amanda
How wonderfully exciting that you have joined this group of Women Warriors! Somehow you didn’t mention you were going to Colorado, or my Senor Moments are getting so persistent that I didn’t remember you saying so! In Texas, the Healing Circle and group who work out of St John’s Retreat Center have a person who manages their wolf sanctuary too. Looking forward to hearing how the eye to eye with the wolf family has gone! Blessed be!
I was too busy stuffing my face with your wonderful food that I probably forgot to say something!
Love you so much, my friend. It is hard to even process what a year you have had, and yet there you are – living full out and full on! Thinking about you with the women and the wolves makes me smile, and brings a tear to my eye at the same time. So grateful that you are in my life. xo
And this past year, my wonderful friends like you have been an amazing salve throughout my journey. Love you xx
PS – Have a ball!
As we begin this new year, I am wishing for you all that you wish for yourself….and then a little more. You continue to be an inspiration to many…some of whom you know and some of whom you don’t. I have forwarded a few of your blogs to a dear friend in NY who was fighting her own battle and she said so much of what you write about resonates with her (ok, maybe not the one about the bees 🙂 Travel safely to Colorado. Enjoy the experience. Can’t wait to hear all about it! Love you.
Thank you so much for sending some of my posts to your friend. When I write, I hope that in some way my words are resonating for others and the thought that your friend might feel soothed or understood (or whatever she feels) by what I write is a great feeling. And your love soothes me xxx
Happy New Year! Sending you an email, you were in my dreams last night.
Thank you – I always need a good, energetic hug. Feel free to dream about me any time you want! In fact I was needing to be held today and asked for hugs and you were already there giving me just what I needed.
This might sound really odd, but in some ways I’m jealous of the journey you’ve been on. Clearly I’m not talking about the medical journey, I’m not off my rocker, but the spiritual growth journey. And I know one doesn’t need to have an illness to seek out learning, and I’ve been doing it my own way, but I think when faced with medical challenges it puts your spiritual journey in overdrive — and I’ve been so impressed and respectful of the thinking, learning and experiences you have had. Enjoy your time with the wolves and am interested to learn more about this women’s group. Wishing you a HEALTHY and HAPPY and HEALTHY (again) New Year!
Hey there – thanks for the comment. I really appreciate what you are saying. Sometimes the growth feels just amazing and other times like being lost in the desert but either way it’s growth.
You amaze me, Amanda. You just do.
Thank you. I went to your blog and read your story. My heart was so touched with the level of vulnerability you showed in your writing. The feeling of everything you went through (are going through still?) just poured off the page and I am sure others going through similar experiences must have felt so understood. Your blog also reminded me to be so grateful for the two children I do have, even when we are all driving each other nuts. Love to you.