Gardening For The Soul

I heard from the Doc on Friday that all the tests on my removed oophors, etc. came back a-ok. Not a single little sign of anything suspicious. I have been pretty sore where the cuts were made but as it was done laparoscopically, I only have an inch scar under my belly button and two small scars lower down on my abdomen. The miracles of modern science.

I do now feel that my grand 2014 health adventure is coming to an end. The only other surgery I need this year is to replace the expanders with the silicone implants. This will happen in July as the plastic surgeon waits six months post radiation to ensure the skin is fully healed. All I do is decide on the final look I want and that’s the fun part. The surgery itself is quick and easy I am told. I will, of course, be seeing the oncologist, radiation oncologist, dermatologist, blah blah blah frequently but no more mammograms as I have nothing to check. I’d like to say that I have gone into that hospital so frequently now that I am immune to nerves, but not the case. This lump was found on April 9th last year (around 11:45!), and as I get closer to the date, I can feel the heebee jeebies descending. My little brain keeps going ‘this time last year, you had no clue’, reminding me again that we really are not in control and that things can change in as few as four words: “I can feel something”.

I am experiencing my vulnerability. I feel vulnerable about finishing my treatment, about coming up on the echo of last year, about going back to work. I want to cry out from the roof tops, look at me, look at my resilience, look at my courage and at the same time, I want to crawl under the covers and hide. I can be vulnerable and joyous and scared all at the same time and be absolutely OK with that. Being vulnerable is full of beauty and grace, like a beautiful pink rose opening up to the sunshine on a dewy morning, like a new born deer learning to use it’s legs for the first time. Often as we get older and we experience more hurt, we protect, protect, protect. Being vulnerable places me right at my edge and although it scares the shit out of me, there’s no more stunning place to feel totally, completely alive in this world.

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” Criss Jami

Love to all
Amanda

 <——- pink = heart

   <—– deer = self love