Hope, I’ve discovered, is a funny old thing. Everyone believes I should be hopeful and to not be, would certainly leave me sitting in a dark, lonely space. But hope for what exactly??
I have learned that having hope for a specific outcome can cause anxiety and big emotional swings. I hope for good PET scan results but if those don’t come, then is my hope lost?? Hope that the next drug will work? Hope that I won’t lose my hair, or that the cancer hasn’t moved to my liver yet?? Hope in specific results, for me, is a roller coaster. Down I fly, wheeee, great scan results, hands waving in the air, feeling light and free. Up I trudge when the results are not good, trying to rediscover hope somewhere on the slog up the hill, just to wait for the next scan in three or four months, just to repeat the cycle.
So I mostly hope for other things now that are macro, not so micro. I hope that no matter what comes my way, I will be able to feel into the full depths of my emotions. I hope that I can continue to maintain some form of body strength and health this coming year so I can travel where I want. I hope that I will continue to wake up each morning and actively feel my breath in my lungs. And most of all, I hope that I can stay fully present to every precious moment of my life, wonderful or not, as that really is what it’s all about (along with the hokey pokey!!).
And I hope you continue to grace us with your wisdom. I cannot comprehend the grandiosity of the emotions and suspect it is essential to interact with other people going through the same and sharing and understanding with compassion.
I contine to be in awe of the beauty you share in your words.
Thank you again Amanda and praying that you continue to have strength to be present in every moment indeed.
May more wonderful experiences shower the year ahead.
❤️🌈❤️🌈❤️
As I think I have mentioned before, my hope is that you’ll be completely bored by the time we all retire, because you will already have finished your bucket list twice over.
And I hope you keep writing the realness of all you’re experiencing.
xo
Amanda, your words are so powerful and allows me a glimpse into the window of your journey. Thank you for your candor and honesty. The insight and grace you share humbles me. Thank you.
A friend who occasionally sends me a gift, sometimes just useful, sometimes fun, last year sent me a necklace with a pendent on it that has just one word: HOPE. I wear it often. I ‘hope’ you will wear your inward Hope often, too! Here is a poem I often consider for it’s unique way of expressing what hope is.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers – (314)
BY EMILY DICKINSON
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –
And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –
I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet – never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me.
Emily Dickinson, “‘Hope’ is the Thing with Feathers” from The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson, edited by Thomas H. Johnson, ed., Cambridge, Mass.: The Belknap Press of Harvard University press, Copyright © 1951, 1955, 1979, 1983 by the President and Fellows of Harvard College. Reprinted by permissions of the publishers and Trustees of Amherst College.