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Posts Tagged ‘Cancer’

Here is how I envision tomorrow going after all the welcomes and how are you doings:

Manager: business question
Me: huh?
Manager: repeated question
Me: um, er, ah, well it’s like this….. Wanna see my scars?!?!?
Manger: pardon?

Looking forward to seeing the peeps again (except for those that have left or are leaving – you know who you are) and I am sure once I get over the shock of it all, including getting up early and having to wear panty hose again, I’ll be fine. Feeling a little anxious so please be extra kind to me tomorrow if I am sitting there in a daze and/or fall asleep at my desk around 2:30! And I am coming in wigless, so if you see a grey haired lady wandering around looking lost, it’s only me! Working three days a week for a patch, then four then back to full time.

Had a pedicure today with a friend by way of my final non-working person hurrah and painted my tootsie nails bright green for no other reason than I could – picture below.

Love to all and send me good ‘yes, I can get out of bed on time to take the train that might not even come because of the bloody snow issues’ energy tomorrow!

Amanda

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I heard from the Doc on Friday that all the tests on my removed oophors, etc. came back a-ok. Not a single little sign of anything suspicious. I have been pretty sore where the cuts were made but as it was done laparoscopically, I only have an inch scar under my belly button and two small scars lower down on my abdomen. The miracles of modern science.

I do now feel that my grand 2014 health adventure is coming to an end. The only other surgery I need this year is to replace the expanders with the silicone implants. This will happen in July as the plastic surgeon waits six months post radiation to ensure the skin is fully healed. All I do is decide on the final look I want and that’s the fun part. The surgery itself is quick and easy I am told. I will, of course, be seeing the oncologist, radiation oncologist, dermatologist, blah blah blah frequently but no more mammograms as I have nothing to check. I’d like to say that I have gone into that hospital so frequently now that I am immune to nerves, but not the case. This lump was found on April 9th last year (around 11:45!), and as I get closer to the date, I can feel the heebee jeebies descending. My little brain keeps going ‘this time last year, you had no clue’, reminding me again that we really are not in control and that things can change in as few as four words: “I can feel something”.

I am experiencing my vulnerability. I feel vulnerable about finishing my treatment, about coming up on the echo of last year, about going back to work. I want to cry out from the roof tops, look at me, look at my resilience, look at my courage and at the same time, I want to crawl under the covers and hide. I can be vulnerable and joyous and scared all at the same time and be absolutely OK with that. Being vulnerable is full of beauty and grace, like a beautiful pink rose opening up to the sunshine on a dewy morning, like a new born deer learning to use it’s legs for the first time. Often as we get older and we experience more hurt, we protect, protect, protect. Being vulnerable places me right at my edge and although it scares the shit out of me, there’s no more stunning place to feel totally, completely alive in this world.

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” Criss Jami

Love to all
Amanda

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IMG_0854   <—– deer = self love

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What did they find? Nothing, nada, neits, ekkert (for you Sola!). They had a good old rummage around in there, paying particular focus to the pancreas but also the liver, gallbladder etc and I am all zippity do dah. No more pancreas tests for another 12 months – yippee!

I am all set for my ‘oopher’ removal on Monday. I have to be at the hospital at 6:15 am with my surgery booked for 7:20. If all goes well, I should be out in 2-3 hours. As you did for my other surgery, I would like you to think of me Monday morning, sending me love, light, imagine wrapping me in a beautiful pink blanket, rainbows, unicorns or even rainbow colored unicorns!!! Anything that works for you to send to me in love and health.

Thanks and love to all,
Amanda xxxx

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So here I am, sitting on the deck watching the waves lap onto the sunny shore. And yes, you would surmise correctly that I am not currently at home as we are being buried with snow in the Boston area. I am in Puerto Rico with a friend, having some sun and relaxation before heading home for more surgeries and then back to work.

We’ve been here since Thursday last week and are staying in the Condado region, just outside Old San Juan. The hotel is great, the location and beaches are amazing and the weather, well 85F each day. My body is making Vitamin D by the boat load! I have included two pictures of me below: one I am sitting in a chair shaped like a cat (not that you can see that), wearing my wig and the other is my friend, Deb and I at dinner on the beach, no wig.

With regards to health updates, tomorrow at 7:00am (welcome home!), I have to go for an upper G.I. to test for pancreatic cancer. It is something I will have to do each year as the BRCA2 gene mutation leaves me a little more prone to this than the average person and then on Monday, I am having my oophorectomy which removes my ovaries and Fallopian tubes. This is pretty easy surgery as it’s done laparoscopically but is recommended with BRCA2 as my chances of ovarian cancer are greatly increased. There are no indications that there is anything adverse going on down there, so hopefully I’ll be back on my feet very quickly. And as my friend, Liz so aptly put it, who needs those oophors anyway!

The saddest news though is that Smokey the rabbit went to the big bunny heaven in the sky on Wednesday last week, just before I left for Puerto Rico. Rabbits are very, very prone to stomach issues and he suddenly started to eat less and then Wednesday, nothing at all. We took him to the emergency vet and they told us he was very sick and having serious heart issues. We discussed the various options but in the end, decided to put him down as he was suffering and the likelihood of him recovering was small. Sarah was with me, we said goodbye, crying, and she held him as they administered the medicine. It was all over so quickly and so peacefully, but it is very somber to watch a life fade away. Rest In Peace you wascally wabbit.

And last but not least, a return to work is finally looming on my horizon. Assuming that all goes well with the oophers removal, I will go back on March 3rd, working three days for a few weeks, then up to four, then full time. I have not worked since July 9th. How will I get out of bed early enough each morning and will I remember what to do??? Eek, I hope so!

Love to all,
Amanda

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“We have doomed the wolf not for what it is, but for what we deliberately and mistakenly perceive it to be –the mythologized epitome of a savage ruthless killer – which is, in reality, no more than a reflected image of ourself.” Farley Mowat, Never Cry Wolf

I was originally just going to write about my experience with the wolves but after posting this quote with my coaching circle, the following questions came back to me – “Do you see yourself, your life in this quote anywhere? How are you the wolf.”? After pondering this for a while, I realized that yes, I do see myself in this quote. One of my BIG triggers is when I believe others have a negative perception about who or what I am. Dependent on who they are, I want to make them like, respect, value etc., me. This can be a tough row to hoe as, of course, I have no control over others. One of my therapists once said, “what others think of you is none of your business”. Needing others’ approval is on my list of things I’d like to shift in 2015.

So back to the real wolves. Our tour started with some pretty grim facts about the hunting and eradication of wolves during the last century. Many of you may know the success story of the reintroduction of wolves into Yellowstone National Park and their incredible impact on the environment. Check out the four minute video at https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ysa5OBhXz-Q on this. However, it is clear that the animosity towards wolves is still alive and well, including killing supported by the Department of Fish and Wildlife. My father-in-law sent me a great article that highlights both the conservation challenges and the possibilities for the future at http://www.oregonwild.org/wildlife/wolves/the-journey-of-or7.

Having my wolf, Leila as my spirit guide, I wondered how I would feel being at the sanctuary, among real wolves. When I connect with her energetically, she feels light and free, peaceful and wise, allowing me to bring those elements in to myself. The energy of the wolves in the sanctuary was different – powerful, majestic and strong but still with an amazing grounded wisdom. I felt no fear, but certainly experienced their strength as I fed them, getting knocked over a few times! Power and strength are particularly important to me as when I believe that things are happening to me not with me, I feel small and powerless, afraid and anxious. A theme for this past year, that’s for sure.

So check out the pictures below from the Colorado Wolf and Wildlife Center. We also hung out with some cute, chubby foxes!

Lots of love,
Amanda

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